Vered’s Blog

A friends that called me asked me what I think about the fact that a woman (Tzipi Livni) has finally managed to get so close in becoming a prime minister in a Macho country such as Israel

In order to set the record straight – I had to mention that she isn’t the first woman to do it. Golda Meir was elected to be Prime Minister 39 years ago – long before the concept of women in politics was popular.  She was also the foreign minister (the same position as Tzipi Livni was until a few days ago…)

However, as I mentioned in another entry in this Blog – Golda Meir is definitely not a role model for what Feminine Leadership is. Growing up in Israel and having her as a role model for women in power positions was not stimulating to become one.

On the contrary, none of us wanted to be like her. We didn’t see the advantage in becoming a powerful woman and having such influence as we were too much attached to the way she looked and her toughness and strong opinions. None of us saw it as a positive element.

Golda Meir was a powerful woman and certainly paved the way to other women to recognize that they can become influential in politics. However, she was still trying to be powerful in a male concept. Her interests were on maintaining strength and she had no compassion to any sign of weaknesses or vulnerability. No wonder David Ben-Gurion called her “the best man in the government.”

Yes, she was an institute, but institutes are of hierarchy nature which is contradicting the nature of Feminine Leadership. She had strong opinions and was one of the founding members of modern Israel, but with this comes the tendency of believing that there is only one RIGHT way, which goes against the basic element of Feminine Leadership.

I do hope that Tzipi Livni is going to demonstrate a new era for women in Israel (and the world) where women could allow themselves to be both leaders and women. Where women could use their female advantage in their leadership and not hide it.

I certainly hope that Tzipi Livni would become a role model for Feminine Leadership – maybe then there will be hope for peace in the Middle-east

Did you know that the people who put together the first compulsory educational system in the US in the 19th century Massachusetts were all men?

Women had absolutely no input into it. The system was, from the beginning, a guy’s thing, reflecting male perceptions and ways of dealing with reality. Not only the administrators, but all teachers in the new compulsory education system were men. “School Masters” they were called.

Women did not become teachers until later when men discovered that they would work for less money. Once you realize that the structure of public education in the West was an exclusively male invention, everything else begins to fall into place and make sense.

Western culture is Male leadership oriented – as if you hadn’t noticed. It has tended for centuries to emphasize “male” sensibilities over “female” ones. And this over-masculinization has had a profound effect on all our education institutions in the West.

Here are some differences in the education system between Male Leadership principles in education and Feminine Leadership principles in education:

Male Leadership Features
•    Exclusiveness
•    Competition
•    Emphasis on hierarchy
•    Dominance behaviors
•    Sequential thinking
•    Logic
•    One right way
•    Rigid & dogmatic

Feminine Leadership Features 
•    Inclusiveness
•    Collaboration
•    Emphasis on community
•    Nurturing behaviors
•    Simultaneous thinking
•    Intuition
•    Many right ways
•    Flexible & conditional

If you look at the failures of education and training today, you have to conclude that, there is just too much Male Leadership in the system.
We need a feminine touch in education and training. It’s not a matter of abandoning the masculine but achieving balance – balance between the male and the female, balance between the right brain and the left brain, balance between control and nurture, balance between yin and yang.

Accelerated Learning is a way of bringing in some of the Feminine Leadership features into the education field. As more corporate learning professions and collage teachers bring more of the feminine attributes into learning, the more our approaches to learning will achieve a healthy balance – and the better will be the results.

Accelerated Learning does not say “Eliminate the masculine!” but “Bring the feminine up to the same level as the masculine!” Good learning and healthy life is a mix between the two. It’s never a matter of either/or, but always a matter of both/and. Balance is the key and that is what Accelerated Learning is doing.

I have to finish this blog entry within 20 minutes, before I start my day, and I still did not manage to write one single sentence that I like. Each time I write a sentence, I immediately hit the ‘delete’ key, as it does not sound ‘right’.

I’ve been too busy yesterday and couldn’t find the time to write this blog. I have so many topics that I wanted to write about that every paragraph I started writing I told myself: “No, that would not be as interesting and relevant as the other topic” Or another voice says: “Well this point will take too long to explain in one entry, you should find an easier point to talk about”. With each voice that came in my drive to write went down the drain.

Then I decided to check old articles I wrote but in that state of mind, I couldn’t find even one that I liked. Next moment I find myself watching a dumb video, trying to avoid my inability to write the one entry, which is about MY truth.

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?
Most of us did! How did we get there?
Very simple - we were conditioned to believe that we are not good enough.
We concluded that we are not lovable until we are good enough. We were taught the ‘right’ standards and ‘right’ values and we were expected to live up to them so ‘they’ will love us.

Till today those societal values and standards are our limited reality, a kind of virtual prison we complied to live in.

Since we learn to focus on others’ values, we continuously compare ourselves to ‘them’. We either end up feeling inferior to ‘them’ or superior to ‘them’.
In any case, our focus is on THEM and we tend to forget who we are and what our qualities are.

One of our prison walls is the need to be ’successful’ (in our society’s eyes of course). In order to become successful we try to imitate those we believe are good at what they are doing. We work hard to change and ‘fix’ ourselves. We set for ourselves standards that do not belong to us and often are unattainable for us.

This ‘fixing’ process takes away our creativity and lowers our energy, leaving us feeling even less capable and lovable.
The vicious circle is closed… The prison gates are locked.

Even if we do manage to achieve (after hard work) those impossible standards, or we become these people we think are the ‘right’ ones to be, we feel limited and encaged.
We have lost our ability to move freely and express who we really are.
We end up, again, not loving ourselves.

Loving yourself means that you are willing to stop comparing yourself to others. It means willing to appreciate who you are in any circumstances. It is all about learning to acknowledge everything that you are.

If you are a morning person - Terrific!
You have more chances to see a sunrise, a new day, a new beginning.
If you are a night person - Wonderful!
You get to see the other side of the day; you learn to think unorthodoxy.

If you are a good communicator - Fantastic!
You have the capacity to reach people and make contact.
If you’re not such a good communicator - Great!
You can listen to people and people love to be heard.

No matter what you are, there is greatness in it - as it is who you are.
The only way to be able to see it, is to stop comparing yourself to another.

Realize that there is only one person exactly like you in this whole world, which makes you unique and whole, and in other words - Perfect!

Perfect means that it has everything in it. The good and the bad; the beauty and the ugly; success and failure.
When you are willing to accept that you are perfect the way you are, you realize that there is no need to change anything. The only thing that is left to do is fall in love with that person that you are already.

When you really love yourself, you are free to choose at any moment how to express yourself…
And isn’t that what freedom is all about…?

I read this entry once more… It sure ain’t perfect.

But, hey… I’m perfect! Perfect the way I am, and that’s more than enough…

Yesterday I had a meeting with a banker. In today’s world bankers are not usually associated with any social interests.

However, this banker and bank is another example how the Feminine Leadership principles can be implemented even in the most business and so called male organizations. The bank is Triodos Bank and it is a micro-financing bank.

Microfinance is often considered one of the most effective and flexible strategies in the fight against global poverty. It is sustainable and can be implemented on the massive scale necessary to respond to the urgent needs of those living on less than $1 a day, the World’s poorest.

Microfinance consists of making small loans, usually less than $200, to individuals, usually women, to establish or expand a small, self-sustaining business. For example, a woman may borrow $50 to buy chickens so she can sell eggs. As the chickens multiply, she will have more eggs to sell. Soon she can sell the chicks. Each expansion pulls her further from the devastation of poverty.

Microfinance institutions offer business advice and counseling, while clients provide peer support for each other through solidarity circles. For example, if a client falls ill, her circle helps with her business until she is well. If a client gets discouraged, the support group pulls her through. This contributes substantially to the extremely high repayment rate of loans made to microfinance entrepreneurs.

An equally important part of microfinance is the recycling of funds. As loans are repaid, usually in six months to a year, they are re-loaned. This continual reinvestment multiplies the impact of each dollar loaned.

Microfinance has a positive impact far beyond the individual client. The vast majority of the loans go to women because studies have shown that women are more likely to reinvest their earnings in the business and in their families. As families cross the poverty line and micro-businesses expand, their communities benefit. Jobs are created, knowledge is shared, civic participation increases, and women are recognized as valuable members of their families and communities.

This type of banking contradicts our usual concept of banking which their sole interest is on bottom line results and having more and more profit. The Micro finance banks are interested in double bottom line which is a business term used in socially responsible enterprise and investment.

While all businesses have a conventional bottom line to measure their fiscal performance—financial profit or loss—enterprises which seek a second bottom line look to measure their performance in terms of positive social impact.

This trend of more banks becoming involved in social entrepreneurship and in becoming concerned with social responsibility just shows that the Feminine Leadership principles are becoming recognized as valuable in our world.

If we will support more organizations to become socially responsible and enhance micro finance banks we can create a change even in the most toughest arena of the old male concept world – the world of finance.

When you look at the world today you’ll see that conflicts are everywhere. Conflicts between individuals, conflicts in families, conflicts in business and certainly conflicts between nations and religions.

We can not avoid conflicts. On the other hand - there is nothing wrong with conflicts. When you know how to work with conflicts it can allow people to grow and develop themselves.

When conflicts appear it gives an opportunity to people to question their belief. It allows us to pause for a minute and realize that what we have thought is THE TRUTH might not necessarily be the truth and might have other aspects to it. In this way conflict challenge our automatic thinking and automatic behavior. It’s an opportunity to check things and evaluate if they are true for us at this time and space.

However, most people, while operating from automatic and old conditions do not view conflict in such a way. Therefore they react when conflict appears and in stead of using the conflict as a source of learning and growing will use it as a reason to stay stuck and will try to defend their opinions.

Once we are in a zone where we need to defend ourselves we will immediately escalate the conflict into a level where there is fight, force, aggressiveness and violence.

Just look around you in this world and see how many people are dying in the name of a holy war, holy cause and trying to defend their opinion of what is right and what is wrong, who is right and who is wrong.

Killing is NEVER right. Violence has always been the last resort of the weak and the frustrated, so maybe instead of fighting and using more violence as if to solve the issue of terrorism and dictatorship we will use other methods of solving this conflict.

Feminine Leadership is about solving conflicts in peaceful ways. It is about using other ways than force and violence to solve differences and conflicts.

One of the most inspiring programs I have seen in the last few years is being conducted by The Canadian Cultivating Peace project.

The project started in 2002 the idea was that if children would learn alternative ways to deal with conflict; they will teach it in their families and will start creating al “ripple effect” that would bring change in how we as a society deal with conflicts.

In the program children learn about long-term solutions to cultural differences, they learn about other places in the world where peace has made a difference, they learn how to keep the environment safe while growing economically. They learn things like fare trade and alternative ways of keeping our natural resources.

Most importantly, they learn ways to be personally accountable. What can they do to make their world a more peaceful place? When can they choose a peaceful resolution to a difficult situation? How can they handle conflict differently?

This initiative is like a beacon of light in the education field as it can create future generations that will not be limited to old ways of conflict solving and will be more committed to peaceful ways of solving differences and conflicts. It can create future leadership that chooses to resolve conflicts in peaceful ways and not violent and take the old stand of fight and deliver.

I find this an incredible source of inspiration and contrary to our normal daily dose of negative news this is certainly a much more positive and energizing news to read about.

If you wish to read about more positive news check only-positive-news site, it would uplift you and will make your day much brighter.

Last night I was watching a wonderful movie, which each time I watch it I am moved and touched by it. The movie is called “The Bucket List” and it’s all about dreams and how we give up on our life when we give up on our dreams.

A month ago we celebrated 45 years for a famous speech that said: “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” Those powerful words were the core message of Martin Luther King in August 1963.

Those are the words of a man who was persecuted and then murdered for preaching non-violent civil disobedience whilst fighting for black peoples civil rights in the United States during the turbulent early sixties.

His dream was manifested a year later, when President Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act, which (also) guaranteed blacks the right to vote. In that same year, at age 35, King was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

We all have a dream. Or more accurately, we all had a dream.

As children, not preoccupied with what is possible, sensible or logical, we all dreamt of making a difference.
I remember myself dreaming of being the best actor in the world, touching people’s life - making a difference.

We all had a dream! It took ‘growing up’, some falling down and too much listening to those who never made a difference to arrive at the ‘conclusion’: “I cannot make a difference.”

Think for a moment, how the world would be if all people had chosen not to strive for their dreams and make a difference. People like Martin Luther King, John Kennedy, Mohandas Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa…

You may look at these names and feel somewhat intimidated and be tempted to ask: “Can I really make a difference? Is it worth the price I would have to pay?”

It is easier to live a compromised, mediocre life, hoping that someone else makes a difference, while you read about it. However, if that was your choice, you wouldn’t be reading this article now.

Now is a time for action. As Barbara Streisand said, “Remember, one voice can save Mother Nature. It can help bring about peace. Even one voice… this one voice… can make the difference.”

It is time to confront our upbringing, conditioning and circumstances. We all had and have people in our life, telling us that dreams are for children, encouraging us to ‘grow-up’. It is time to share with them the old Chinese proverb, “Man who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt man doing it.”

Making a difference is like throwing a pebble in a pool. The ripples spread from the center to larger and larger circles of influence. It begins within you. Find your dream again. Shake off the dust.
Put it before you and say, “Hello, I’m back! ” Get reacquainted! Feel the energy, excitement, enthusiasm, fire and passion, overflowing within, calling you to movement and action.

Take a stance! Let people know what you think and what you believe in, remembering the old phrase: “Stand for something or fall for anything” - Words are not enough - let your actions talk.

Making a difference challenges you to think and act differently. To be different! It requires daring. Being different is rarely considered a quality. It requires commitment. Commitment both to yourself and to your integrity. It requires persistence.

As Winston Churchill said, “Never, never, never, never give up!” If you’re not sure yet, why you should make a difference, let me put it simply: It stretches you to fulfill your potential. It gives a meaning to your life
It lights your being and actions; and It encourages others with their dreams so that they can make a difference too.

If more of us would make a small difference, this planet is bound to become a better place.

Creativity is a quality that exists within all of us. It is not a learned skill or an unusual talent…
It is an attitude that outwardly “creative” people bring to every problem.

For most of us, though, our creative “edge” is regularly dulled by daily routines, rules and regulations.
It becomes easy to rely on the tried-and-true, and we get stuck. We forget how to think “out-of-the-box”.

We are all born innately creative - just look at young children - but as we grow up, we are bombarded with messages that our creativity is not the “right” kind. “Don’t color outside the lines.” “No, no, do it this way.” “Hold the pencil in your right hand.”

When our natural impulses are stifled time and again, we learn to block our creativity as adults. We become inhibited and afraid to try new approaches. We talk ourselves out of doing what feels “right”.

Here are some examples of self-talk that smother creativity. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. It’s been done before - We don’t explore an innovative thought or idea because we assume that someone more original or creative has already come up with it.

2. Be realistic - Instead of letting our imaginations take flight, we stay grounded in the practical and “real”.

3. That’s too radical - We negatively characterize the unusual as “extreme” instead of giving it the other meaning of radical: fundamental and profound.

4. It’s a good idea, but nobody is ready for it yet - Rather than thinking that something is “ahead of its time”, we need to remember that “the time is now”.

5. I just don’t like it - Children say this about food when they haven’t tried it yet. Our fear of the unknown causes us to avoid it and assume we won’t like it.

6. I don’t have time - This is another avoidance tactic when we are unsure of the outcome. We think that investing effort in creative thought or activity is a waste of time.

7. I need to think about it - We give ourselves the opportunity to procrastinate. Thinking about something is the surest way to destroy it with negative self-talk!

8. We never do it that way - This is an excuse to avoid making a mistake. Instead, we should ask, “Why haven’t we done it differently?” and “Can we do it better?”

9. Let someone else try it first - We avoid taking responsibility for a potential mistake, but we also lose the opportunity for personal satisfaction and potential greatness.

To be creative we must accept change as a natural flow of life. We have to risk going beyond the limits of our conditioning. We must refuse to get stuck in the rules of education, society, institutions, etc. We must be willing to make the leap, to make mistakes and recognize the value of that learning process.

Creative problem-solving is a by-product of courage, freedom, spontaneity, and integrity. When the quality of creativity is unleashed, problems become opportunities rather than situations to be feared.

Creativity is not limited to literature or art or music, although these things are often the manifestation of the creative impulse.

Creativity is basically doing or thinking about things differently or doing different things.

For example, instead of commuting the same way to work every day - once a week take a different route, or take the bus instead of the car.

Sometimes you just need to pause for a moment and observe your surroundings. Create some physical space. Go for a walk. Sit on a bench. Open your senses to the sights, sounds and smells around you. Try to focus on what’s unusual in the usual.

You must also go inside to find creativity. Make a conscious effort to do this several times a day by setting a kitchen timer, your watch or your computer. When the timer beeps, stop. Relax. Breathe. Create some emotional space and stretch your inner self.

When we allow ourselves the freedom to be creative, problems become opportunities, solutions become simple, and relationships become joyous, healthy and fun.

If you still had any doubt that women’s power is on the rise, just have a look at what is taking place in the race for presidency in the US. First it was the race between Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama that captured the interest of millions whether they were Democrats that had to chose, Republicans that was getting concerned, young voters that for the first time felt inclined to add their voice to the race and millions of other people around the world that felt that change is in the air.

Now for the last two weeks, all we hear in this race is about Sara Palin, is she or isn’t she qualified to be a VP candidate. It is if the whole race is not about issues, change or even presidency but about VP.
Whether you like her or not, one thing for sure, choosing Sara Palin as his running mate sent a very strong message to the world – the votes of women are important.

It’s maybe the first time in history that the votes of women will decide who would actually be sitting in the White House. Women’s votes are going to determine the road to our future. Is it going to be the same old road that we were going in the last 8 years, making this world less hospitable and less secure for our children? Or is it going to be a new road that will be taken looking for innovations, creativity in solutions and new directions in solving conflicts.

As I said in other entries in this Blog, choosing a woman does not make your ideas and actions supporting the Feminine Leadership principle. Women are not necessarily representing what this concept is about.

If you are still trapped in the old world’s point of view of command and control, of hierarchy, of exploiting the earth in order to maintain our more and more culture norm – than you are still representing the old way of leadership and not the new one.

Thomas Friedman said it best in his column supporting more drilling in Alaska is like supporting typewriters and carbon paper on the eve of PC and internet. It’s like supporting a 19th century (not even 20th century) methods instead of focusing on bringing us into the 21st century methods. Instead of chanting “Drill baby drill” how about chanting “innovating Baby innovating” and putting the focus on alternative energy sources.

Looking at the race from far I just hope that for the good of all of us American women are smarter than what campaign leaders tend to think. Let us all hope that the Americans women, who are smart, who are educated and do care about our future, will read between the lines and see beyond exterior of gender and realize that change is not in gender – it is in issues and approaches.

Let us all hope that women will use their natural quality of Feminine Leadership and truly listen to what their candidates are saying and realize where change is evident and where change is just an empty word to cover a pretty face.

Yesterday thousands of people had to face the pain and the loss of their beloved ones in the tragedy of September 11. Millions had to face the reminder of fear of losing ones. September 11 will always stand in our memory as a day of fear and pain on one side and on the other as a day where heroism and acts of love and kindness have shown up in multitude ways.

In our daily life we try to avoid and ignore pain and fear as much as possible. One of the reasons we don’t like pain is that it forces us to look at issues we normally refuse to look at. We need to look at issues that we don’t like to confront and the fears that we try to suppress and avoid facing.

However, when we dare to face the fear and the pain, pain can become a great source of learning and therefore can become a tool that can make a change in our life. It can become a tool that would allow us to grow, develop and use more of our potential. When we are able to do that, pain can become a friend to us.

Pain is like a big wave in the sea.

You stand there in the water and in front of you rises this blue-green mountain that moves in enormous speed towards you.

This is how we experience pain, like a big, cold wave that rises inside our body.
When you stand there, facing a big, cold wave of pain you have a few alternatives:

1.    You can dive under the wave and let is pass over you, without feeling it and without moving from your place.
This is what we do when we take all those painkillers (from tablets to alcohol, drugs, over-eating, busyness, television, etc…)

2.    You can face the wave; thinking that you are strong enough to win it.
That’s when you fall over (depression) or even being crushed (mental illness).

3.    You can become paralyzed. We call it, state of shock.

4.    You can catch the wave and ride it, using its immense energy and power to take you faster and further away from where you were before.
In this case you let go of control and at the same time master the situation.
You feel power, speed and excitement of living in the now and on the edge.
With it comes the risk of falling down to the bottom, that without it, it would not be so much fun.

Pain has so much power in it that we can either use it in order to move quickly with a lot of energy and excitement to a new place.
Or we can look at it as a monster and live under its shadow scared to experience its presence again.

Yesterday was an opportunity for all of us to look at pain and fear and use that enormous energy that comes with it to take us into a new era. To recommit into making sure that our world will be a better one and that we can change things.

Or we can just let the fear of it control us and get stuck in resistance and trying to hold back time and get stuck with old patterns and old world views.

The question is - what would you choose?

Last night I was watching a great movie if you haven’t seen it yet – go get it and watch it, it’s called Freedom Writers. Beside the compelling story that it tells and the wonderful music score that it has (even though it’s mainly Rap – it is a refreshing Rap which has empowering messages), besides all that it demonstrates one of the main core qualities of Feminine Leadership – Listening.

In the movie the teacher, Hilary Swank, realizes that she has no clue about her students world and therefore instead of teaching by speaking to them and coming from the all knowing position of authority, she realizes that if she wants to help those kids learn, develop and grow she will need to do it in another way than the “old school methods”. She realized that she needs first of all to listen not only to the words they are saying but also to what they are NOT saying and most of all to what their heart is saying.

In the old way of schooling a teacher’s job was to educate the kids. This meant that the teacher knowledge was more significant and much more valuable than what the child had. That meant that in order to educate basically all the teacher had to do is to speak and the child will listen and do what they were told to do.
This is the command and control way, which is the old way.

In the movie we see how once she realizes that there is no way that those kids will ever truly listen to her she realized that in order for any communication to take place between them, she would first have to start listening to them, listening from her heart not from her head. Only once she was willing to truly listen to what they had to tell her could she find a way to create trust with them that allowed her to start teaching them.

Truly listening to another person demands a lot of courage as you will need to let go of your ideas about the subject and the topic. It demands attention, care and most of all respect to the other. All those qualities come together when you listen.

Usually when people thing about great communicators they think about people who could speak eloquently, persuasively and with confidence and wit. All this is true but it is only a limiting way of looking at communication. It is a one-way street. When it comes to human relationships the most important part of communication is probably the listening part. That would be the Feminine Leadership part in it. Maybe that’s why we have one mouth and two ears so we can listen better, which proves that the important part in the communication is listening.

Teachers are not usually great listeners. They are too busy and self important in trying to get across their message and deliver the material that they need to teach to actually remember that at the end if the day the most important person is not them, but the child.

What the teacher in this movie was realizing by listening to the kids was that her job was not really to educate them, but to show them the way how they can fulfill their potential. To find with them a way that they can start believing in themselves, start regaining faith in the human spirit and most of all that they will trust themselves and see how amazingly special each one of them is.

My favorite scene in the movie is when she brings them to realize that although they think they are different than one another, that although they feel that they are the only ones that suffered and paid price, they are basically all the same under all the exterior of the outside and that the fact that they look different or speak different languages they are all connected.

In order for that to take place she draws a line on the floor and each time she asks a question those that can relate to it need to stand on the line. This creates a meeting point for them, but it demands them to listen. Each time that they meet on the line they communicate to each other – we share the same experience. Again, this demands – listening. The result was a life changing moment for those kids.

This could not have been achieved even if she would have spoken logically and rational from her head. This could only have been achieved because they were willing to listen and share from their hearts.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Well listening from your heart can save you those thousands words!