Vered’s Blog

I have some friends who complain that they are too old to (fill in the blank) and they’re in the early 30’s! It’s time like this I thoroughly embrace sharing stories of this magnitude.

Jennifer Figge, a 56-year-old Colorado native, lived out a dream she had since the 1960’s, when she crossed the Atlantic in a plane. The flight was rather tumultuous and she wondered, if the plane crashed, whether she could put on a life jacket and swim the rest of the way.

Imagine that…a little idea, based on some very real fear, that grows and grows over decades until you finally watch it manifest. Perhaps all of our “worst imaginings” have a germ of hope in them; a dream deep inside. Nice to think of the next time you’re filled with anxiety over something!

FIgge left the Cape Verde Islands off the western coast of Africa on Jan. 12, contending with waves of up to 30 feet and strong winds. On February 7, she made her trans-Atlantic destination of Trinidad. She plans to continue her journey, swimming from Trinidad to the British Virgin Islands, where she expects to arrive in late February, and then back home to Aspen, to see her dog Hank.

“I was never scared,” Figge said. “Looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can always swim in a pool.”
Her journey comes a decade after French swimmer Benoit Lecomte made the first known solo trans-Atlantic swim, covering nearly 4,000 miles from Massachusetts to France in 73 days. No woman on record has made the crossing.

Figge woke most days around 7 a.m., eating pasta and baked potatoes while she and the crew assessed the weather. Her longest stint in the water was about eight hours, and her shortest was 21 minutes. Crew members would throw bottles of energy drinks as she swam; if the seas were too rough, divers would deliver them in person. At night she ate meat, fish and peanut butter, replenishing the estimated 8,000 calories she burned a day.

One cherished possession she kept on board was a picture of Gertrude Ederle, an American who became the first woman to swim across the English Channel.
“We have a few things in common,” Figge said. “She wore a red hat and she was of German descent. We both talk to the sea, and neither one of us wanted to get out.”

Yesterday the whole world celebrated Women’s Day. Without taking away the importance of this day, it made me think how come we need to celebrate a day for us for just being a woman. How come we are so focused on trying to prove that we are worth something and we need special days of the year to remind us that we are important and that we do make a difference in this world?

When I was 21, I had my first real experience, of what it means to be totally ME. I felt whole.
At that time, I was living in the Sinai desert, in charge of the logistics of different archaeological excavations. For weeks I was alone - only the vast desert and me. I had time and space to see myself, as I am, and I loved myself.

Unfortunately, I forgot that experience and incorporated the more popular viewpoint, that no one is perfect, and that I need to do something with myself (or my life) in order to feel that wholeness again.

For years I was afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing the woman that I was. I was scared of ‘being me’ and as a result I did my best to be ’someone else’ or ‘like the others’. It didn’t work out too well.
‘The others’ were always better than me in being them…

Do you recognize this pattern? How did it all start? When did we start giving up on who we are?

What happens is that early on we receive the message that what we do is not OK, or what we think is wrong. As children, we normally interpret this feedback as who we are is not OK and thus we develop negative beliefs about ourselves. From this point, the road is very short to the creation of our ‘act’ and thus giving up on who we are.

We are all afraid of showing who we are, as we believe there is a ‘right’ way to be.
We are afraid that if we will show how we really feel, or what we really think, ‘they’ would not like us, or criticize or judge us.

Once we let that fear rule our life, we give up our authenticity and begin to live within an elaborate lie.

We can, however, choose to live differently.
When we allow ourselves to experience and express who we are in the moment, we usually discover that ‘they’ like us as we are and prefer us real and authentic.
We realize that we are our own judges, criticizers and worst enemies.

Look at nature. Everything in nature is unique and different and perfect as it is.
The willow tree does not compare itself to the oak tree thus allowing us to enjoy the beauty of both.
The ocean is always different, yet it is always perfect.

It’s only us who need to compare ourselves to somebody else…

So how do we break through this pattern of behavior?

The way out is to realize that there is NOTHING wrong with who you are.
You are the best person to be you and you do that perfectly.

Look at all you have accomplished in your life, see how much energy, creativity and wisdom you have put in it, and then acknowledge yourself for it.

Look at all your qualities and abilities, without comparing them to those of anyone else, and without judging them as low or high, enough or not enough.

Just list them and see how much you have given to yourself and the world and how much you can still give.

Would you like to know the person with those qualities?

Relax and enjoy who you are. It costs less energy and is so much more easy and fun.

Remember, you don’t have to rehearse to be yourself…

When I was young, creating a balanced life was easy. Being single, I had all the time in the world for myself.
It was easy to put borders, to know when to stop working and change gear into fun and relaxation mode. I had everything under control. Work, studies, boyfriend, social arena and even the household was no great challenge…

But somewhere along the way, I found the work that I love, the boyfriend turned into life partner and a daughter appeared on the scene… Suddenly I found myself saying again and again, “I would have cleaned the house, but after dealing with work, kid, spouse and social commitments, I just can’t do another thing!”

Sound familiar? Don’t worry - you’re not alone. Most of us have been there at one time or another. Of course, if the only thing you don’t get done is cleaning the house, then things are probably going pretty well. What about those times, however, when your energy level dips so low that even an evening at the movies sounds like too much effort?

That’s the time that I call on my good old friend Baloo, the wonderful bear from Disney’s version of the Jungle book.
He had a wonderful saying (a beautiful song) that since then I have adopted as a life theme. His advise for keeping a balanced life is, “Look for the bear necessities, the simple bear necessities, forget about your problems…”

And this is precisely what I do to maintain the balance in my life that I long for.

I actively look for those things that give me energy. Energy is the basic thing that we need in order to have a balanced life. Therefore I make sure that my level of energy is maintained as high as possible.
I reduce and even omit those things that deplete my energy reserves, and I choose to devote more time to those things that give my energy a boost.

I managed to drop many activities that I consciously didn’t realize were draining my energy. However, once I stopped doing them, I noticed how my life became much more energized.

Watching TV and reading the daily paper. OUT!
Over commitment to projects and assignments. NO MORE!
Unrealistic deadlines. NO WAY!
Social gatherings that are not really important for me. I call in sick…
‘Professional complainers, victims and martyrs’. I fired them!

Look at your own life. What activities, people and circumstances drain your energy? Which of these can you minimize or even give them up completely?

On the other hand, discover what energizes you. Then do your best to put those things on top of your TO DO list.

For me these energy givers can be meditating for an hour a day, exercising, working in the garden, or taking a nap in the afternoon. I do my utmost to do at least one of these daily. This brings me back to harmony and balance.

Always try to boost your energy. It does not have to be a big move…
Walking instead of taking the car gives you a chance to breathe and connect with your body.
Using the public transportation instead of the car gives you more time to be with yourself.

I learned another thing from Baloo the bear. Always look for the simple things. Stop complicating your life.
Drop all your conditioned, social and parental ’shoulds’, ‘coulds’ and ‘woulds’:
“I should buy a new car…” “I could do it better…” “It would be great if…”
Be as simple as a child, consume less, create more…

As old Baloo says, “Get with the beat and start to look for the Bear Necessities…”

Passion is an essential ingredient for any success. Look at any successful person and you will see that they are passionate about what they are doing. It’s also one of the qualities of Feminine Leadership.

As a child, I remember my father, sitting in his room, surrounded by his books, writing. His work was his love. Later in his life, when most people have retired, he was up early in the morning, busy with his work. It gave him, both a meaning to life and kept him young.

My mother never liked her teaching job, although she was very very good at it. She retired early and kept searching for satisfaction, without success. She became bitter and sad.

Until today I cherish the lesson I learned from them: “Find a job that is your hobby, your art.”

As children we all wanted to be somebody. A fireman, a pilot, an artist. As we grew up, we realized that our job must also pay our financial and social bills. So we sold our passion and love for stability and security. We rationalize by saying that ‘work is work’, and pleasure will come later.

But does it? When was the last time you found the time and energy to do the things that you really care for?

What if your work could follow your heart’s desire? What if you could really do what you love to do?

Finding it might be difficult, as we have lost touch with what we enjoy most. It has been too long since we have given ourselves the chance to connect to it.

So, how about taking some time off and instead of complaining about your job, start searching what it is that you love doing. Find out what is it that you are good at, where your talents lie and what comes both naturally and easily to you. Recall childhood activities that you once loved.

Become aware of the situations that bring out the best in you. Discover what values are important to you and what you would like to see manifested in your work.

Once you have created a framework for those activities, talents and abilities, in which you excel (as well as those values that you wish to express in your work), start investigating what sort of work expresses them to their fullest potential. Allow yourself to be creative; don’t dwell in the area of “sensibilities”.

Allow yourself to be open; as opposed to reasoning everything. Communicate to the world the type of work you wish to have. You will be surprised at how much support you will receive, once you clarify your wishes.

When you do the work you love, it becomes easy and effortless, because work becomes a source of energy rather than a drain. You continuously grow and develop while creating for yourself a space of love and friendship. You tap into your creativity therefore remaining young and alive.

So how about making your hobby your work?!

Love will not be the first natural word that we will use when describing most of our leaders. However, love is probably the most important value that comes with feminine leadership. Until now we didn’t hear many leaders using that word as their main tool to lead their vision or people, but here is an example how powerful it can become when using it in the right way, which means, without connecting it to our romantic association.

With a population nearing 3 million, Guayaquil in Southern Equador is home to more than 200 gangs and 60,000 gang youth. But the streets are a little quieter these days and considerably more safer, due to the divine workings of Nelsa Curbelo, a 66-year-old former nun and teacher and a true social reformer.

Unafraid to examine the inner workings of gangs in her neighborhood, for years she spent enmeshed with the gangs, asking questions, trying to understand. And instead of dismissing the kids she was meeting as delinquents, she took the time to find out about the positive aspects of gangs: togetherness, teamwork, camaraderie.

“By far the most terrible thing I learned,” says Curbelo, “is that assaulting, harming or killing others is a way to say, ‘I am here. What needs to be enhanced is the power to build life. So Ser Paz (her organization based on peace) offers the local youth a way to “feel present without committing a crime.”

As the crime rate drops in Guayaquil drops substantially because of Curbelo and Ser Paz’s social efforts, she has this to say: “Love is the greatest power in the universe. Love is more powerful than violence, more powerful than the atomic bomb. Love has the power to transform lives, to change cities and the whole world. Only love has this deep creative power. I am absolutely sure of it.”

Last week I’ve posted an article about leadership that has started an amazing discussion on the net. Most comments came from women (well, maybe because the group was of women…)

However, what hit me was the difference in their approach to leadership and the common one that we all hold to, which brought me to think (again) about this whole topic called Feminine Leadership.

Have you been lately into a local supermarket? Have you noticed how many brands of breakfast cereals are on the shelves? How many different brands of breakfast cereals are you actually eating? Few!
If so, why do we need all this variety? The truth is - we don’t!

Our society is absorbed in a mad race after…MORE! More breakfast cereals, more car brands, more money, more influence, more, more, more… The reasons? Competition, power, survival and consumption.

These are only few of the characteristics of (what I call), the Masculine Energy mentality.
We can find those characteristics everywhere. In business, politics, organized religions, social organizations and even families.

If you take a break for a moment from the rat race you’ll notice that today, humanity have arrived at saturation point. The price we pay is everywhere to be seen.
Wars and conflict dot the globe, huge economic and social differences exist between the West and the impoverished third world. The wealthy abide in magnificent mansions in every metropolis, whilst thousands exist without homes. Workaholism, and a frightening incidence of suicides, scar our nations.

Which leads naturally to the question, is there any other way?

I believe there is. I call it, the Feminine Leadership approach.
Instead of competition as a means to success, using cooperation; instead of a ‘me first, f*ck you’, an approach of service and win-win solutions; instead of criticism, the use of acknowledgments; instead of indulgence - preservation; and so on…

As the number of choices in our life grows, we are seeking for a balance in our lives between our inner and outer worlds; between the demands of our jobs and those of our families; between our focus on material affluence and our quest for spiritual meaning; between our preoccupation with our individual dilemmas and our awareness of the challenges facing society at large.

So how can we create this balance? It starts with bringing Feminine Leadership into our workplace.

In the workplace we can see two types of leaders: The leader (Feminine Leadership) and the Boss (Masculine Energy). This has nothing to do with gender!

Most authorities in our business world are operating, mostly automatically, within structure of the Masculine Energy approach as we adopted our society’s values of high achievements, discipline, performances, order, competition, aggressiveness, etc.

Lets take a look at a few real-life situations:

The project is stuck. The Boss looks for someone to blame and to punish.
Alternatively, the leader, aware of his part, acknowledges the efforts that were made, and focuses on solutions.

Staff meeting. The Boss issues orders.
The Leader states the vision, and brainstorms the process, with the staff.

You ask to work part-time from home. The Boss demands your presence in the office, according to company rules and regulations.
The leader supplies you with computer and connection to the office, thanking you for releasing some space.

Low-performance of the team. The Boss calls a meeting and tells everybody, “Here is what we are going to do.”
The leader calls a meeting and asks, “How can I support you?”

Handling change. The Boss tries to control and direct the change.
The leader understands that change is the only constant phenomenon and goes with it.

Marketing. The Boss declares the competitor as the enemy.
The leader looks for joint ventures.

Problem solving. The Boss knows all the answers.
The leader asks the right questions.

My question is: what are you going to choose?

So many people are looking at Obama and hoping that he will save them. People expect him to walk on water

Waiting for a hero to take you by the hand and lead you is choosing to remain a victim or a child.
It is time we grow up and take responsibility for our own life.

The other day I was listening to the radio and one line caught my attention: “We don’t need another hero.” Pictures from old movies flashed in front of me.
The mythological hero - tall and handsome, powerful and wise, always resourceful and with a sense of humor.
Those were the heroes we were searching to lead us into the promised land of happiness.

Each generation has its role models, heroes and leaders. In the past, leaders had to be charismatic, strong and confident.
But as time changes we also need to change our conception of what actually is the leadership we need.

Maybe we really don’t need another hero in today’s world. We were conditioned to believe that a leader is a sort of superman that comes and saves us in times of crisis and provides us with whatever we need.

Hand in hand with this conditioning goes the belief that we, the ‘normal’ people, are both hopeless and helpless, and in need of constant guidance resulting from our not being able to take care of ourselves.

Wake up - this is a childhood illusion!
This is a romantic view that allows you to sit in waiting and hope for a better life, a better world. It is never YOU who is powerful and it is never YOU who determines, influences and creates.

We have reached the point when each one of us can and must become a leader.
First we need to change our concept about what leadership is. Leadership is about empowering people to achieve their life purpose. It is about creating space for people to fully express themselves. It is about encouraging people to go beyond their limits.

When you empower people, you will never take away their power. They will not give it away either.
Each action you take comes from choice and not because of outside influence or pressure.

It is time to let go of this constant search for answers outside yourself.
The time of Gurus and Masters is over.

You have enormous wisdom within. It is a matter of making the connection with this inherent wisdom and trusting yourself to do what is right for you at any given time.
It is the time for enlightened friendships, when we all share our wisdom and become both the teacher and the student. This is where our power is - in doing it together.

Our planet can no longer afford for humanity to play the victim game. Waiting for a hero to take you by the hand and lead you is choosing to remain a victim or a child. It is time we grow up and take responsibility for our own life.

Look at your surroundings and notice how many people prefer to stay stuck in their victim role, refusing to recognize, acknowledge and utilize their power.

Ask yourself, “What can I DO to make them see they have a choice, that they have the power?” When you have the answer, act upon it. Once you take that step - you become a leader.

The world needs you!

There is a huge difference between setting goals and the way most New-Year resolutions are being set. It seems, that New-Year’s resolutions are made only to be broken two months later.

Just visit your local gym on a Monday night in early January, and you’ll have to fight the crowds who are tackling the equipment with fierce determination. Then, visit the same facility on a Monday night two months later and you’ll have plenty of space complete with your choice of machines. These get-in-shape-lose-ten-kilos-be-disciplined-bla-bla declarations simply have evaporated.

Here are a few common reasons why these resolutions do not stick:

Making the Goal More Important Than the Vision - We tend to put our goals (physical result) before setting our vision (value), which is like putting the cart before the horse. When you are focused on the goal and disregard your vision, even upon the achievement of your goal, you are left with that residual empty feeling of “what was the point anyway”.

Forgetting What is Truly Important - New-Year’s resolutions fail when they are focused on outer cravings rather than respect for your inner wishes. Taking the ten kilos weight loss for example; is it really about fitting into your old jeans? Or is it about honoring your body and yourself? How about the reduced time in front of the TV commitment? Is the goal simply reducing the amount of hours in front of the tube? Or, is it instead, about creating time to spend with your family, breaking the mind abusing TV habit, or learning something new?

Focusing On the Process Rather Than the End Result - We usually focus more on HOW to realize our goal than on the goal itself. If you focus on getting the money in order to buy that Special Something, change your focus to having that Something. This will open many more possibilities than only buying one…

Focusing On What You Haven’t Yet Achieved - We tend to pursue what we haven’t yet achieved rather than asking ourselves: “What is TRULY important for me  this year?” By doing that, you are walking towards your future, facing your past. Meaning walking with your back toward your desired direction. In this way, many possibilities available to you are missed, as you limit yourself to what you already know.

Making Complicated and Vague Resolutions - When we are afraid to commit ourselves, we tend to babble some incoherent sentences simply for the sake of making a resolution, rather than seriously intending to manifest something real. Your mind however, needs a specific image of your resolution with which to work towards manifestation. Therefore instead of hoping to “make a lot of money” or “create more free time for myself”, give attention to detail by specifying what exactly you intend to create. Write it down as a precise figure. For example “I make xxx amount of money next year” or “I have xxx hours free for myself per week”.

This year, before you declare your New-Year’s resolutions, create clarity for yourself of what is TRULY important for you. Here are some questions to reflect on:

1. What were the five most important lessons you learned this past year? How can you use these lessons in the coming year?

2. What are you willing to BE this coming year? Not what you want to DO or Have. Are you willing to be more courageous? More loving? More patient? More peaceful?

3. What practices will you integrate into your life next year? And why do they matter? Commit yourself to growing in ways that will honor who you are.

4. What intentions will support your life mission? What do you want to be engaged in that will reinforce your sense of purpose and your core belief system?

5. What can you do next year that will bring more joy and fulfillment into your daily life? How can you acknowledge and celebrate the big and little things that appear every single day?

Here it comes again, that time of year when we plan our resolutions for the coming year, looking forward to a fresh start. Here is our chance to start again, to do it right this time, to have another shot at success… at glory…

Tradition states that you make resolutions on New Year’s day to become a better person.
Statistics say that by February, you will have broken more than 90 percent of the resolutions you made.

Our resolutions are so quickly broken, because we take ourselves too seriously.
Seriousness alone is disease-oriented; because it creates burden, and the accompanying feeling of heaviness.

When we take ourselves less seriously and make our conditions and surroundings lighter, we will enjoy resolving our resolutions. Therefore, by June there is a more realistic chance that our commitments still remain intact.

In order to give you some ideas how to make it lighter, here are some of my resolutions for the coming year.

1.    I will honor my body. Each time I am frustrated with the way I look, I will remind myself that there are only eight top models in the world and all the rest of us are not that “perfect”. Thus majority wins.

2.    I will listen to my body… especially when it screams, “that’s enough!” while stretching my hand to the fourth piece of chocolate cake.

3.    I will be honest… even when telling a lie, I will be honest with myself and say - “what a great story teller I am.”

4.    I will develop my creativity… even if it is finding 1001 ways to do nothing.

5.    I will show my love to my partner and family more… by sending them on a vacation without me.

6.    I will drink more water… in my coffee, Coca-Cola and whiskey.

7.    I will pay my bills on time… my time!

8.    I will be more considerate. I will make sure to put back the top on the toothpaste.

9.    I will never smoke again… Of course, I never did.

10.    I will get in shape… Any shape…

To support this process I’d like to share with you a little prayer I’ve heard:

Dear God
So far today I have done all right.
I have not gossiped.
I have not lost my temper.
I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, proud or overindulgent.
I am very thankful for that…

But in a few minutes, God, I am going to get out of bed…

Have a great day!

Many of us are taking life as a journey so how about going on a bus ride? You’ve actually been traveling in this bus for quite some time already. This bus is called your life.

It has a destination plate on the front. You have simply never read it before, as you’re not accustomed to being on the outside of your bus.

You choose who’s driving, while you’re hanging around and enjoying the ride. Some choose their mother or father (or both) to drive their bus; others nominate a social, political or spiritual figure to drive their bus, whilst others choose a significant other. In fact, most people I know nominate another to drive THEIR bus.

The driver may change over the years or as a result of different events. For a while, you may even nominate your physician or therapist to be the driver of your bus, perhaps even your lawyer or accountant.

In most instances, you choose experienced drivers. They know how to shift the gears, use the blinkers and operate the radio.

Since you don’t know your destination, they’ll take you where they think you ought to be going. It will ultimately be their choice of destination.

And while your designated driver drives, you can enjoy the ride. Walking from the first row to the last one, living happily (or not) in your little bus, called life.

Since you have nothing of significance to do, you may get a little bored. Most people do. Some fall asleep, hoping to fall into an interesting dream. Some fill the emptiness with anything they can find in the mini-bar of the bus. Others still, turn on the little blue box at the rear of the bus, staring at the moving pictures, describing other people and their bus journeys.

It’s not until many years and as many miles down the road that the realization dawns upon them, “Hey, I’m missing my journey”.

I see it everyday. Some wake up 5 or 10 years too late only to discover that while their spouse drove their bus, they missed their children’s early years. Others wake up with a bang, usually around their forties to realize that while their boss was driving their bus, they forgot what youth, playfulness and joy were.

Most people are afraid to drive their own bus. They believe that they’re not capable. Not good enough.
They were conditioned to believe that others know better. Some think that they have no choice. They were born with a driver and that’s life. For many it’s comforting to know, that there’s always someone else to blame for any bump in the road or a turn that leads to a dead-end.

However, there are also consequences and costs for not driving your bus…

You feel powerlessness as a direct result of not having control over your life. You are traveling in a direction that in reality has nothing to do with where you really wish to be… your destination.
Usually your driver chooses the radio station he or she likes. And this constant background music might not be to your liking. And most of all, traveling as a passenger in your own bus is infinitely boring and unfulfilled.

So, how about taking the steering wheel in your own hands. Give your driver a 15-second-notice and then throw him or her off your bus. See what happens.

When you sit in front, you’ll see the road ahead of you. You’re not that busy with all that surround you from the sides. You don’t spend valuable time, looking back through the rear window. Everything is new, fresh and exciting. The bumps on the way are still there, but this time you choose how to handle them.
You can even choose your favorite radio station.

I can hear some of you screaming from the back, “God is my shepherd, God is my designated driver!”
Well folks, here’s a newsflash: if God is your shepherd, then her job is to navigate, not to drive!
Make friends with God, Spirit, the Universe, your Higher-Self - whatever you want to name it. Invite him (her) to sit next to you and ask her what your destination is. She knows it.

Then, along the way, you can ask him what’s the best turn here and there… and listen carefully.
When you get the answer - it is still YOU who choose to follow the directions, or turn the other way.

Remember, the destination is only an excuse for the journey. So, enjoy the ride.

PS. Wanna know what is written on the destination plate of YOUR bus?

It says… freedom!